Not in my nature

The post below was written last March.

I have no idea why I never published it, but I had to laugh aloud when I stumbled across this evening.

Last March sounds like this March - travel and hecticness and chaos.

I've been in the car, travelling, for what feels like a month. In reality, I was just here and there for eight days.

And today, we spent the day outside sliding, swinging, sandboxing and getting sunburnt. And her hair? That old fuzz? It was was in pigtails.

My kitchen needs a scrubbing. My bathrooms need disinfecting. My gardens need weeding and my laundry needs to get done.

Addie is transitioning to undies at bedtime. We are transitioning to warm weather and later nights. There is a list in my brain that just keeps growing.

But instead of scrubbing, disinfecting, weeding, fretting and doing laundry tonight - I poured a hefty glass of wine. I drew a hot bubble bath and I got lost in my book.

And tonight, just as sometime last March, I took time to breathe.

It's as though time has stood still.

And I kind of like that.

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Sometimes I have to force myself to sit down and take a breath and be.

Usually I find myself doing this after a long talk with an old friend; after a hectic and head-achy day running after a certain kiddo; after seeing someone else's heartache. On occasion I do it when the house is clean, the candles are flickering, the air is silent.

But for no good reason I felt this way last night. Andy was at the XU game. Addison was snuggled up, sleeping soundly with giraffe. Michelob was asleep under the windows and I could hear the sound of the clothes dryer hard at work.

Maybe it was because I have not been home for three straight weekends. Maybe it was because yesterday Andy told me that Addison was no longer sporting baby fuzz, but actual big girl hair. Maybe it was because I saw my Dad, and know that he is hanging in there. Maybe it was because it felt like spring and my daughter played outside until her shoes were full of dirt and her bottom was muddy.

So instead of flitting around the house picking up the toys, putting away the laundry, swivel sweeping the floor, and generally straightening out our life, I chose to pour a glass of wine. I poured my glass of wine, checked on my kiddo and treated myself to a book.

I just decided to enjoy being home. I embraced the disorder...and I read that book.

I left the chaos and filth for today...and now I am wishing I hadn't. Bad idea to go against my nature.