Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dear Addison,

I know that this wasn't your idea.  I know that you haven't happily vacated my lap.  I understand that not going to the museum or out on a daily adventure was not a choice of yours.  And I completely get why you are a bit grouchy in the mornings, after all you no longer have my lap all to yourself, or quiet snuggle time - no, now you have share with your baby sister. 
I know that I expect and ask a lot of you.  I know that sometimes it slips my mind that you are just a four year old.  I know that Brenna is getting a lot more attention than you and I know that it isn't fair of me to raise my voice toward you just because I am exhausted - you are not the one who kept me up half of the night, after all.

My mood this morning wasn't very good and I shouldn't have taken it out on you - but I did, and I'm sorry.  Thank you for forgiving me - and for eating all of your breakfast, putting on your sneakers by yourself and getting your teeth brushed with me only asking you one time to do all those things.  Thanks for the big hug and kiss before you headed out the door for school and for waving at me from the car window so enthusiastically.  Thank you, also, for telling me to "take a pictures of the girls" this morning - I liked having your face with me on this exhausting day
.

You are doing your best, and I know that.  More importantly, I am thankful for all that you are doing and how understanding and flexible you've been.  I am thankful that you happily fetch blankets and wipes; that you throw away diapers without complaint; that you have started getting ready for school without much prompting.  I am grateful that you want to hold your little sister and kiss her chubby cheeks.  I love that at least once a day you ask if Brenna can play with you and that it's your idea that she join us for bedtime stories.

Sometimes you'll catch me watching you and widen those gorgeous eyes of your and say with a smile
What is it, Mama??
And I don't know how to truly explain to you how lucky I feel to have such a kind hearted child.  Or how to tell you that being up all night with your sister reminds me of the hundreds dark hours I spent pacing our condo trying to soothe you as baby - and now you sleep curled around your stuffed animals not needing a thing from me.  Or that I cannot believe four and half years have gone by and suddenly there is almost nothing baby about you...you are so big. 
I don't know how to tell you all that, so I try to give you extra hugs and squeeze your you little hands whenever I can.  I try to remind you that you promised to always be my baby - but when I said that this morning you told me that Brenna is my baby now, not you.

My heart cried a little when said that.  You didn't say in a jealous way or to be mean - it was just a matter of fact: Brenna is the baby and you are my big girl.  No way,  I said to you.  No way, you may be a big girl but the deal is you will always be my baby!  I reminded you that you were the one who made me a Mommy.  Because of you, I explained, I am more patient with Brenna.  Because of you, I am better equipped to handle this tiny baby.  I am calmer, less frantic, more logical all because you  taught me about being a Mom.
So, while life may seem a bit different right now, I want  you to know that I love you with my whole heart, bigger than the sky, deeper than the ocean.  While there will still be mornings and hours where my patience is low and I may raise my voice, I want you to know that I couldn't ask for a more wonderful little girl. 
I am so lucky and thankful that you are mine.

xo,
Mom

6 comments:

Sue said...

Oh seriously, Jessica. Sometimes I choke up at your posts, today I am just openly weeping. At work. (By the way, I made my sister read the post about Brenna being born, and she was quite impressed with your writing. I told her it must have been your experience at The Phoenix.) Thanks again for your beautiful words, and your beautiful personhood!

Mich said...

dangit woman! Why must you always make me cry?

Samantha always tells me that she isn't my baby anymore - little does she know that she always will be.

LMK said...

SOB!

Kate C. said...

Tears!

You have a gift with words. You better turn this into a book at some point!

Kathy said...

stop!!! Stoooooop it,you are killing me! I love you, my baby girl!

Colleen said...

Seriously Jess? That was so well put and such a great thing for Addie to treasure later in life. It is so very hard and you are an amazing mother. amazing. Keep it up mama!!